[The following is written in fancy script and purple ink.]

Greetings, Chicago!

Allow me to introduce you all to your newest resident celebrity: me!

For those of you who don't know me, as I've been informed that I may not actually exist here (which is, quite frankly, a load of tosh—I mean really, can you imagine?) I am none other than the famous wizard and author, Gilderoy Lockhart. I'm currently teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry; for previous accomplishments and publications, please see below.

Awards & honors:

Order of Merlin, Third Class
Honorary member, Dark Force Defence League
Winner, Medieval Assembly of European Wizards Bravery Against Fantastic Beasts award
Britain's Best Dressed Wizard, 1990
Winner, Order of Air Voyagers for Intrepid Wizards award
Five-time winner, Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile award
Certified member, British Wizard Duelling Association

Published works:

Break With A Banshee
Flying with Faeries (slated for publication early next year)
Gadding With Ghouls
Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests
Holidays With Hags
Magical Me
Travel With Trolls
Voyages With Vampires
Wandering With Werewolves
Year With The Yeti

I expect I'll be stuck here for some time, which, while unfortunate, is perhaps not so bad.

Not so bad, of course, if those of you in this tower (I believe someone called it the Koshta? Cashta? something like that—it smells a bit funny, by the way; is there a mold problem? someone really ought to let me know, as I'm dreafully allergic) are willing to accommodate my needs.

Celebrity is as celebrity does, after all.

That said, who can help me acquire some new clothing? There must be some boutiques nearby and I'm sure there's a wealthy person reading this (my tastes are rather expensive, alas). Pardon my forward attitude, but I'm currently extremely low on funds (read: piss poor) and I certainly can't wear this one suit all day every day for the rest of my stay here, as this shade of blue is going out of season very soon.

Some new bedding would also be nice. These sheets are a bit scratchy and I'm not sure they've been washed recently.

I'll also need some very specific hair and body care products. Please don't hesitate to let me know if you're interested in assisting me! I can't promise anything in return right now, but I'm sure a smile or an autograph will do.

Most sincerely,